So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
