Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
