At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
