Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
