i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
