either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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