Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
