wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so let's talk penis.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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