**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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