when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
