I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
