I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
