I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
