so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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