one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
a search helicopter?!
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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