There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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