Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
