You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
