I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Randomize