I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
