i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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