Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
In America we eat man semen.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
