You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You are the jesus of drinking
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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