i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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