So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
