see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
