dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
