I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
im six kinds of drunk right now
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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