People in love make me want to vomit
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize