So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
