FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
