he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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