Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
