your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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