Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize