Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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