Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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