My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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