Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
do nipples grow back?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
