I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
