I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
