You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
