Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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