watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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