The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There's always time for handjobs
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
