i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
