He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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