i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
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