well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
