You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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