If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
