he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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