I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
