She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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