but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
