the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
