3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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