dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize