The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
