wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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